My 2019: The good and the bad

My description of 2019: A lot

To me, my 2019 has been full of ups and downs. There is still three more months for the year to conclude and I still have hope that this year will be as fulfilling as I hoped it would be.

I have split my perspective into two main categories: physical and emotional


I have felt good this year in terms of my outlook on life and appearance. I have been keeping up to those resolutions I had made at the beginning of the year; going to the gym and keeping (relatively) healthy throughout. Been pretty pleased with the results I'll be honest but I do still have a lot of work to do on myself for me to feel like I'm at peak performance.

On the note of travel, I have not done as much as in previous years but I did go on my first solo trip to visit some friends and family in Australia (maybe a post on that coming up soon). Considering I'm someone who usually always travels with family, it was a whole new experience. A good one. Had tons of fun, got to catch up with people I've not seen in years.

I've met a lot of new people over the past 9 months. Some people I never thought I'd be close with even. The universe does work in mysterious ways you can say. I've put myself out there and have done things usually out of my comfort zone and it has been good (and sometimes bad) but oh well its part of the journey.

My fashion sense has also taken a different approach this year. I've not bought as much clothes as I usually do and made do with what was already in my closet. I found that quite refreshing as I was truly making full use of the clothes that were already there. Sustainability has been a "trend" in 2019 I've come to realise but , in my opinion, it should be more of a lifestyle than just a trend as it does affect the impending climate change which doesn't look very promising. Not saying that I'm living very sustainably either but baby steps you can say.


Although on the outside it may seem all rainbows and sunshine, people may not always realise, sometimes what goes on inside may be a lot heavier than it meets the eye. 2019 has been one of the most emotionally draining year for me. Truly I have not felt this exhausted since my hormonal mid-teens. Not to sound like a sad person, but sometimes reality tends to be like that.

Dealing with multiple different issues (as billions of other people do, too), sometimes leaves you really overwhelmed. I've lost count the number of times I have had panic attacks this year, coming from someone who has never dealt with anxiety at this magnitude before. People always just say "get over it", which is easier said than done. Certain things you can't just shut out as easily as others. Everyone has different ways of dealing with grief and pain.

Through all the crying and anxiety, I have also come to learn new things about myself. I discovered that I am a compassionate person who tends to put other people's needs before my own. Which is both a blessing and a curse. Unfortunately, this trait has only left me hurt in this situation but hopefully in the future I can put it good use.

One more realisation, through your rough times, is when you will realise the people in your life who are actually there for you. I've grown distant from people I thought I'd stay close with forever. I've also grown closer to people who previously were not very significant in my life. There are only so many people who will be there for you through your darkest times and I'm thankful to those who were there for me.

Mental health is a real issue that needs to be normalised and not used loosely or shunned. Men and women all do go through emotional suffering and that is perfectly normal. Always know that there are people in this world who Love You although it may not seem possible at the time. Seek out a loved one, a friend, a counsellor. There is always help out there.

On that note, I'd like to say that i am grateful to be alive, healthy, with loving supportive family and friends by my side and a roof above my head. As I mentioned above, there is three more months to this year and I hope i use those months to heal myself emotionally and get back on track to my usual happy self.

Cheers to everyone out there dealing with similar issues, you are not alone.

Till next time,
Ashwin x.

Useful links:

Suicide hotline Malaysia: +603-79568145


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